Updated: Sep 30, 2020
Anger... I don't know where it comes from. I don't know what causes the outbursts. I don't know why it happens and I definitely don't know how to handle it. The only thing I know is that I don't like what it does to me or how it makes me feel.
I feel as though I am drowning in my thoughts and emotions. It's like a rollercoaster, once you're on the ride and the safety bar is down, it's too late and you can't just stop the ride and get off. Once you've set off, you're stuck until the ride is over... no matter how much you hate it and want to walk off, you feel as though it's too late.
When I get angry, I feel instant regret... I know what is going to happen, but the fear of the unexpected overwhelms me. Anger is one letter away from danger and that scares me. The fear of doing or saying something that I can never take back is immense.
Count to ten, take deep breaths, walk away. I've tried it all. It doesn't stop the anger and it doesn't reduce my fears of hurting the ones I love - emotionally or potentially physically.
Anger is a mask... it can cover up feelings like fear, frustration, hurt, stress or powerlessness. It's a way of dealing with a situation that I haven't processed the real feelings behind.
Hate is a strong word, however I hate who I become, I hate how easy it is to become angry, but the thing I hate the most is hiding my emotions and the feeling of regret when I explode.
Perhaps it's the fact my mother chose drugs and an abusive man over her own children, perhaps it's because my father doesn't feel the need to pick up the phone, perhaps it's the fact that strangers feel the need to make unnecessary comments, perhaps it's my own thoughts taking over. Or perhaps it's my way of dealing with things.
I have a bad tendency to bottle everything up so I don't burden anyone else, but my biggest fear is losing control and hurting someone I love and care about. I just feel so angry all the time. I get myself through it day-by-day, but I always have these moments where I suffocate myself under my thoughts., even thoughts that I don't know anything about.
I constantly say "I'm fine", but I know I need help to control my actions.
I need help understanding what and why I am feeling these things.